new worries

I ate an expired yogurt. I hate yogurt. Once I thought I might try and do the Activia challenge thing so I bought a whole case of it. It sat in the refrigerator and I never ate one cup. It expired and I threw it out. I just couldn't bring myself to eat that nasty dairy product. It smells bad. It's a weird texture. It's not for me. Today I ate an expired yogurt.

Pregnancy seems to make you do things you've never done before. Every day you are bombarded with information on what you shouldn't do. Don't exercise too strenuously but don't take it too easy. Don't eat too much but don't eat too little. Don't eat some seafood but don't skip other seafood. It's all very confusing and if you go back a couple years you can find an article or a guide that will tell you the exact opposite of whatever they're telling you now.

It seems that maybe no one ever knows exactly what to do. The medical professionals have an idea but their information is constantly evolving as new research is coming out every day. Turns out that all this ever changing advice is just unbearably stressful. I'm choosing to take a more hands off approach. Whenever possible I avoid Google. I've blocked WebMD. I sparingly read the information provided by my pregnancy app. This filtering of conflicting information is not foolproof. I read the diet information. I discovered that yogurt with berries would be a wise snack choice. I fought my gag reflex for the betterment of my unborn child. I ate an expired yogurt.

It was only 6 days expired and smelled normal. It was more than likely entirely fine and simply a victim of the early "sell by" date that causes perfectly good food to end up in the trash every day. The problem I'm having with it is not the fact that I ate an expired yogurt but the fact that I ate yogurt at all. It's kind of impossible to wrap my head around. Baby, you aren't even born yet and I'm already doing things I would never have done. Eating the revolting snack that is yogurt. Enjoying it.

That's the surprising part. The yogurt actually wasn't bad. I didn't hate it. I didn't gag. I ate it all up. So yes, I'm changing and doing things I've never done before. They seem to be for the better. For a healthy start to a new future full of happiness and better choices. A future full of growth and love. I'll continue to filter all the information. I'll take some advice to heart and completely ignore the rest. I'll make it through this pregnancy and end up with a child that comes with an entire library more and I'll probably ignore the majority of that too. My one goal is to simply do what feels correct and trust myself. I don't want to waste time worrying about what all the research says. I want to live life and enjoy every moment as time slips away so quickly. Human instinct has gotten us this far right?

Oh, and maybe eat some more yogurt.

 

seventeen weeks

Today I'm officially 17 weeks pregnant. Not quite halfway but getting there. It's impossible to deny that there's a bump and inside that bump there's currently a turnip-sized little person. It's crazy to think of and impossible to comprehend. How does one start from nothing and grow into a full-sized human?

I'm trying not to think too hard on the whole thing. I don't want to risk terrifying myself. It's a sort of que sera sera attitude I'm currently adopting. It's working so far. It's also easy to forget sometimes. I don't actually feel pregnant most of the time. I feel nauseous, gassy, bloated and exhausted, but you don't have to be pregnant to feel those things. I know in my mind there's a little person in there and at the prenatal appointments they confirm it with pictures and sounds of a tiny heart beating. When I'm home though, just hanging out and relaxing, it's easy to feel like things are just normal and a tiny life isn't blossoming inside me.

The heartburn is the worst though. It doesn't matter what I eat, when I eat or how much/little of it there is. It's inevitable. The heartburn is coming. The curse of the second trimester. That's when it's impossible to ignore that I'm pregnant. This unprecedented heartburn that happens every day is the one symptom that I know is being caused by these horrible hormones and thus makes it very clear that I'm 100% pregnant.

Eventually the little turnip will become larger and its little movements will become pretty difficult to ignore, but until then I'm enjoying the quiet little moments where I feel like my normal self (though a somewhat squishier version) and can pretend that the inevitable life change isn't just 23 weeks away...

reality unexpected

I archived my original blog.

It contained the events and details of a previous chapter in my life. A chapter that hasn't entirely closed, but honestly, it takes more than 9 months to seal the pages of 9 years. It takes time to cleanse a photo album, it takes effort to redefine friendships and it takes courage to finish what you started.

I learned that a person can run for years on autopilot. It's easy to live the life you've grown accustomed to. It's easy to go through the motions day by day. It's easy to do what you've always done and not imagine a life that could be better. What you may not realize is that when you're living life this way you're not actually living. You experience regular happiness, sadness, frustration and other emotions. You have goals. You have aspirations. You do what you're expected to do and you live how you're expected to live. You could probably continue on that way for the rest of your life. You could probably live and die on autopilot and never realize what you missed, never realize what you gave up, never realize what you were meant to be.

I probably would have continued that way. I definitely could have. I'm incredibly lucky and unbelievably grateful for the day that I realized something had to change. It was a terrible day. I was overwhelmed with a sadness that I couldn't explain. It's hard to describe. It was a sadness that made it hard to breathe. I didn't understand where it came from. I was living the life I had always lived and nothing had changed. I was accomplishing milestones that were expected of me and moving in the direction that seemed appropriate. I was on the path I'd chosen. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I couldn't talk to the people that one should be able to talk to in a situation like this. I couldn't explain to myself why I was feeling this way so how could I possibly explain it to the people who fit into this life?

It was a strange sequence of events that I can't even recall in detail. Somehow the overwhelming sadness woke me up. I found someone who hadn't been in my autopilot life long enough to think that I could only be one way. I explained that there was a sadness that I couldn't explain and it was scaring me. My thoughts weren't the way they had always been. I was contemplating things I'd never contemplated and going to dark places that I'd never been. It was terrifying. It was painful. Something had to change and quickly.

I spent some time alone and evaluated my life. I took stock of everything I had, of everyone I knew and of everywhere I was going. I realized what the parts of my life were that were causing the now frequent bouts of incredible sadness. I came to understand that these parts would need to go. It took time to come to the incredibly painful realization that my life would never be the same. It may not sound like it from my description but even living on autopilot you become attached to the way things are. It's hard to switch on your mind and listen to it long enough to find out what you need to change. Once you listen to yourself and admit that something is wrong you still need the courage to make it right. It takes tremendous amounts of courage and belief that you're doing the right thing. This won't only be the best decision for you but it will also push the people around you who are stuck in the same trend to realize that they are meant for more, that they too can be truly happy, although it may take them longer to come to the same level of understanding.

I did it.

I held on to the realization. I held on to the belief in myself, the belief in my right to be happy and the belief that I could be a better person. I took every ounce of courage I had ever accumulated and I changed my life. I turned off the autopilot and I took control. I stopped making decisions just because they were what seemed to be right and thought out each decision until I was unmistakably certain I was right. It hurt. It didn't only hurt me. It hurt everyone around me in varying degrees. It hurt a lot.

I made it through. I'm on the other side of that battle. I fought the life that was killing me and I came out better than I ever believed possible. The only time I feel a sadness now is when I'm caught in a happy memory of how things were. It's a passing sadness that feels more wistful and fleeting. It's nostalgic sadness.

I'm now in control of my life. I feel like a weight is lifted off of me. I'm free and happy. The sense of rightness that I feel now is immeasurable. Every moment of every day feels real. Everything is different but it's a good different. It feels like a life that I've chosen, my life that I fought for, the life that I won.

I sincerely hope that anyone reading this has realized that you only have one life. You can't waste it. Don't become complacent with a numb day to day. Reach into yourself and feel what you've been suppressing. Listen to your heart, your mind, your body. Trust me, it's telling you, maybe even screaming at you, to change. If you let go of your autopilot life and fight for the one you're truly meant to have you'll discover a reality that is more amazing than you can imagine, it may be a reality unexpected, but it's perfect and undoubtedly worth it.